I just had this really weird and realistic dream.  I dreamed that I met this person whom I had a deep emotional connection to.  We grew to know each other very well.  Then something happened and that person began to change.  I didn’t know why it was happening but it was very real to me that it was happening.  When I would ask this person why this was happening I would be met with “I’m not changing.”  Over and over again.  In my heart of hearts I knew it WAS happening and felt hurt and saddened that no recognition of my feelings were being had.  How could a person I knew suddenly turn into someone else and then say I wasn’t seeing what I was seeing?  It made me sad, mad, confused, and angry.

Finally, after saying it time and time again I lost my temper and said things that didn’t do anyone any good.  Quite the opposite.  My pain had manifested itself as anger.  I said things I didn’t know I was capable of saying.  Then – things ended.

I want to go back to sleep and recreate this dream and do things differently but no matter how hard I try, I can’t.   Ever done that?

It was weird……

Tonight, I had one of the tenderest moments I have ever had with my son and one that I will cherish for the rest of my life.  One that to guarantee I remember exactly what was said I am going to write it down only minutes after it happened while it’s still fresh in my mind.

Every night I sing Jackson the same songs, in the same order to sooth him into a slumber.  Sometimes he falls asleep, sometimes he does not but it’s our routine.  The routine is:

Amazing Grace

Away in a Manger (Jackson calls “no crib for a bed”)

Silent Night

Jesus Loves the Little Children (the “colors song”)

Jesus Loves You

Hush Little Baby

Tonight after I sang the last song he asked for me to sing another song.  I agreed but bargained that after that he would go to sleep. I sang the shortest one; Jesus Loves the Little Children.

It was after this that our moment happened:

Jackson:  I wanna talk to Jesus

Me: Go ahead buddy, you can talk to him where ever and when ever you want.  He’s everywhere you are.

Jackson: Where is He?

Me:  He lives in Heaven.

Jackson:  Where is that?

Me:  It’s in the sky with God.  He can look down from Heaven and see you and be with you where ever you are.

Jackson: How do we get to Heaven?

Me: (I thought for split second about talking about repentance, baptism, and being born again but thought it wasn’t age appropriate just yet) Well, when you get really old, like Granny, you will fall asleep and when you wake up you will be with Jesus in Heaven.  That’s where Granny is now!  She’s in Heaven with Jesus.

(several seconds go by of pondering silence)

Jackson:  “That’s a GREAT IDEA!’

He then rolled over and fell asleep, instantly.  I laid there just looking at him amazed at how even with as young as he is, so pure and honest, yet he can believe.  It’s so hard for adults to do sometimes…..

My family and I are enduring the winter storm of 2009.  A foot of snow over a two day period.  I am not one of these people who have some romantic relationship with the white stuff. Quite the opposite.  I hate the cold, the ice, the snow, and anything relating to these three things.  I hate that I have to spend half an hour bundling my kids up to go outside and play, only to return to the warm haven of our home after 20 minutes of play, crying, and falling down.  All of you who “cannot wait” for snow can have this crap.  I will take Scottsdale, Arizona thank you very much.

But, in all this maddening time stuck inside, blinded by the white sheet reflectors that lay all over the ground,  I have time to reflect, think and meditate.  Or maybe it is called losing your sanity…

We all have times when we wish we knew God had us in His hand.  That He was with us, guiding our future and had our best interest at heart.  There are times when all of us think He is absent, gone, or worse, punishing us.  Surly a loving God would not leave us stranded to go along in this world alone.  No, He would not.  He takes care of us even when we cannot see or feel Him.

It is similar to a snowflake.  If you just look at it with the naked eye it appears to be simply a small, round, fluffy ice falling to the ground.  One piles an other and all we (or I) see is the obstacles all these flakes cause in our lives. I have to shovel, scrape, and weeze my way to the mailbox.  Driving is difficult.  It makes even the most mundane exercise a challenge.

But, under a microscope you see just how much God has control of the situation.  Those mountains and mounds of snow piled in the bank parking lot are created by millions of tiny snow flakes.  Flakes, that when seen under a microscope, are intricate, detailed, unique and most of all, beautiful.  More importantly, they are obviously planned, created, and formed.

If He can have control over the smallest detail such as the design of a snowflake crystal and make it look so perfect time after time after time, why then, do we doubt that he has ultimate control, power and only the best in mind for our lives?  Something so intricate that only HE could create.  He can form us and our lives into something equally beautiful.

He’s got this…..

We have all been to funerals where everyone sits and hears all the wonderful things about the deceased.  How honest they were.  They were loved by all.  Everyone respected their work ethic, etc.  I often wonder if that person ever knew how everyone felt about him.  How sad would it be if the only time they “heard” someone say something good about them was from the comforts of heaven (or somewhere less comfortable)?

I want to eulogize my husband today and make sure he knows at least how I view him.  What kind of a stamp he is putting on this world, me and his children.

Jim is the most honest man I have ever met.  His integrity is something he does not and will not compromise.  He has a saying, “There are no small compromises when it comes to your integrity.”   An example of this is how he simply cannot bring himself to rip anyone off.  A friend of ours brought a copied DVD to our home for movie night, something I saw as “normal” but it caused Jim pause.  He sees it as stealing from the actors, producers, and the movie industry.  A more recent example is when Jim went to our bank.  He was filling out his deposit ticket at the little table that has all the pens chained to it and saw an envelope laying there.  He picked it up and there was no paperwork inside, nothing with anyone’s name or account information on it.  But, it was full of fifty and one hundred dollar bills.  He estimated that it was probably close to $3000.  Without a thought or hesitation, he collected his items and the checks he had to deposit and handed the envelope over to the teller saying, “Someone left this on the deposit table.”  The teller was very surprised at this and commented about how wonderful that is that he was so honest.  To him, it’s simple, the money did not belong to him.  He has no right just to stick it in his pocket. He is without a “job” right now and we could probably justify keeping it by saying it was probably the bank’s mistake and they are a big corporation, they will not miss it etc..  But, such thoughts do not occur to him.  He just does the right thing…even if no one would ever know if he didn’t.  Always.  That is character.

Since I have known Jim I have witnessed how intelligent, wise and discerning he is.  He has an insight very rarely matched by anyone.  Even when he worked with men 20 years his senior, they would look up to him as someone who really knows what is going on.  He was their mentor in a way.   He can look at a situation and “smell a rat” instantly if it is not something on the “up and up.”  I am trusting, and sometimes blindly so.  He keeps me in check and will make sure I am aware of the things he sees or does not see in a person.  Sometimes I hate when he is right.  Which is more often than not.

Jim is methodical about most things that he does but is able to balance it so that he is not anal.  He likes his office a certain way.  He will notice if you move his stapler slightly out of place (I know – I do it just to mess with him) and calmly move it back to it’s CORRECT location.  But he is able to allow things to be out of order upstairs.  He understand our children do not know or care how he wants things and that’s ok with him.  He does not make me feel like slob or that the way I do things is wrong.  We know our differences and accept them.

Around the house Jim does more than his fair share to help.  As a husband I honestly could not have ordered a more perfect mate, partner and love to complete me.  He has all the traits I lack and visa versa.  God put us together.  There is no doubt in our minds about that.

I challenge you to find someone more funny than Jim.  I laugh daily, heck hourly, around my house at the things he says and comes up with.  His jokes and humor are clever and unique.  It is anything but boring with Jim is around.

His boyish enthusiasm about life and those little pleasures make him so endearing.  He get so excited about a new cell phone and will giggle with glee when he figures out a new feature.  He loves to keep traditions, plan parties and cook for those he loves.  Something I get the benefit of every day.

He is a devoted husband who takes his role as father very serious.  We talk in depth about the character traits we want to instill in our children and he works to make that happen.  He is patient, kind and gentle with them.  They adore him and he would die for them.  Alex has got him wrapped around her little pinky and Jackson is his best friend.  My heart melts when I see them playing together.

Jim has made and continues to make my life a joy.  I cannot imagine a life without him in it but just having known him I am a better person.  The lessons he has taught me about life, myself,  and other people are things that will and do help me in my everyday life.  I feel blessed to have him in my life and look forward to many more years of hearing his “Eggland’s Best” commercials on Sunday mornings.

I love you goob.

Be it my girlish enthusiasm or some sort of simpleton mindset I have but I get so excited about the smallest, silliest things.  Recently I started working out with my friend Courtney and my husband, Jim the Tolerable, who acts as our trainer.  We have been hitting the gym since just before Thanksgiving and are still hard at it.  In our inexperience with the gym we would kid that we did not know if we are supposed to shout slogans at each other, grunt or slam the weights.  So, we would quietly say to one another,

“Feel the burn.”

“Hate the weight.”

“Keep goin’ maggot.”

For some reason the last slogan stuck with us.  We were calling each other maggots at least 3 times a work out.  Finally, we began to call ourselves “Team Maggot.”  The deal was sealed when Courtney got all of us T-shirts for Christmas with “Team Maggot” embroidered on them.

Jim added to the unity of our group by creating a website/blog.  It is still under construction but you can check it out at www.teammaggot.com Oddly enough that domain name was available.

Like any great team I decided we needed a great mascot.  It obviously had to be a maggot but how in the world can you make a maggot look cool, cute, and approachable?  Well, he started out simply as a vision in my mind.  Then on New Years Eve I sat down at around 4:30 am and began sketching my idea down.  In my inebriated state, I did my best to get the vision I had in my mind transferred to paper.  Here is what he looked like:

A nameless maggot

Then I decided this job called for a professional.  I Goggled “Freelance cartoon artists” and found www.guru.com.  Awesome website chalked full of all sorts of artists from sculptors, to painters, to screenplay writers, to cartoonist and everything in between.  I put my job out there.  Within 12 hours I had 8 bids!  How flippin’ awesome is that?  Is it just me or the idea that some chick in po-dunk Indiana who has this idea for a maggot could hire someone out of Indonesia, Russia, India, New Jersey, or Illinois.  I went with a Midwesterner such as myself out of Quincy, Illinois.  We worked together and I think he understood my sense of humor about it all and my desire not to spend a lot of money.  For $30 I got a true artistic creation and got to see my idea come to life.

The team has decided to name him “Killa.”

A star is born

I have had so much fun creating him I sort of have a mother-like sense of pride when I see his cheesy smile.  His gestation only took 3 days total but that is about how long it takes for a maggot to be born in any backyard trashcan.  Jus keepin’ it real.

I guess all my bitching about how everyone was coming over just to eat of our foods and then ditching us paid off.  We weren’t alone when the New Year was rung in (rang in?  came ringing in? ah – skip it!) My friend Sarah whom before NYE night I really didn’t know outside of church small group stayed and played Wii with us and completely kicked our butt in pretty much every game.  I claim it was because of the couple glasses of wine, she claims it’s just because she rocks.  Maybe a touch of both?  Anyway, we laughed and had a great time.  Then she was so awesome to agree to go get our other friends at a different (obviously not “better”) party since she was completely sober.

Then the party began.  Jerm and I rocked out in the living room.  Turns out my air guitar session was a solo with a back up dancer/singer/moon-walking extraordinaire!  Jim and Courtney were in heaven having finally found a species like themselves and were sure to tie that into Star Trek.

I think we wrapped everything up at around 6:30am?  I know the sun was about to rise over the lake.  Anyway, it was a great time and one that I’m sure will be remembered by all.  You know, with the superlative talking, figuring out the woes of the world, and solving all the world’s problems and all.  You’d be amazed how clear things are at 5 in the morning.

Some things we figured out in our deep discussion were men and women can be friends without something going on.  Marriage is a sacred institution that can be awesome but people mess it up sometimes. Jim makes the most awesome ribs ever.  Team maggot now has a mascot and the mock up is hanging on my refrigerator.  Nikka Costa has the hottest bootay going.  Kids make everything better and harder to do.  And The Who is a rock band imitated by many, equal to none.

Before Jim and I had children we talked hours and hours about our philosophies on every aspect of parenting to discipline, to sleeping arrangements, to how to have the “bird and the bees” talk.  We both were adamant, we did not want our children in our bed with us.  This is a topic that has been debated so thoroughly that I could scream but that is not what I am hoping to spark with this.  I am simply saying, for me and my family it is the way it is and the way it works.  Each child goes to bed in his or her bed and Jim and i sleep together in our bed.  It was something that was a bit difficult to establish, especially when I was nursing and getting up every 2-4 hours but we stuck to our plan and it has paid off.

Another thing we spoke about thoroughly and agreed on was to maintain our marriage; to cultivate it like a good gardener cultivates his crop.  We purposely take time away from our children to spend eye to eye in conversations and in love.  I want to show my kids what a marriage is supposed to be like.  I want to model a good relationship so that when they are searching for their spouse they do not settle on good enough.  My mother and father have been married for 43 years but I really never felt they were in love with one another.  I remember seeing them hug a few times but there was no real emotion there.  Every child wants their Mom and Dad to be in love (even if you do not want to think about it – yuck!)  I almost settled on good enough before I met my husband.  I thought the love that you read about, the love that is all encompassing, the love that is so strong it can bring you to tears was simply a fantasy.  I am so blessed that I found my husband and the love of my life and know for a fact that that love does indeed exist.  I want…..need….my children to know that.

Our biggest agreement was that we wanted them to know we would die for them.  That they were the most precious, loved and important people in our life.  But, that the world does not revolve around them nor do we.  These parents who run themselves literally ragged because each child is in 3 different extracurricular activities is an example of what I am talking about.  If there is a show on that we want to watch, we will watch it and if the kids want to watch something else, tough.  You either watch it with us (if appropriate) or go down stairs and watch something else.  They are not at the helm of this ship and I know later in life this lesson will serve them well.  They will not enter this world thinking they are owed something from society or the world.  They must earn it.

Now, I have to say, we are in the infancy of this young family and we have passed several of the tests we knew would come.  I obviously do not have all the answers.  If in 25 years I have one in prison and one still living at home I will say “I WAS WRONG” but at least we have a plan.  It is the most important task God has ever give us, or any person, which is to raise these little beings into productive, happy, healthy and independent people.  Without a plan, I fear we would lose course and make bad decisions.  Do not make life altering decisions by the seat of your pants.  Make a plan and stick to it. Now, if I can only head my own suggestions.

We may be screwing our kids up by the methods we have decided to utilize.  If that is true, we will be ROYALLY messing them up since we plan to homeschool.  Those poor poor kids…..lol

So, being as I don’t have enough to do with raising a 2.5 and 1.5 year old child, going to the gym every day, keeping my house in order, etc etc etc I thought, “Hey, it would be fun to try my hand at CSS (cascading style sheets – Google it) and construct my own blog theme?”  Two days into this and I am starting to think this may have been a bit overzealous on my part.  I have found a theme I mostly like but would like to tweak a few things.  Easy enough, I thought.  Hard work is done for me, I say.  Good God, it took me an hour to move the little “contact” envelope to the left and the “subscribe” to the right so they could be seen and not hidden in the banner.  I have to admit, the sense of accomplishment I felt once I did, was great.  I shouted across the room, “Yes!  I rule!”  Spooking my husband who was lost in his own Internet obsession.

Now there are only a few things I’m looking to change.  But, they can come later and if they never do, so be it.  I just wanted to get back to the real fun of blogging and that’s actually blogging.  Several new developments have happened in my little boring life but I’ll save those for a later post.  Nothing earth shattering but it has altered my life a bit.

Stay tuned and let me know what you think of the new digs!

Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!

Rules:

Answer each question with one word and tag four other people:

1. Where is your cell phone? Pocket

2. Your significant other? sexy

3. Your hair? showercap

4. Your mother? wonderful

5. Your father? goofy

6. Your favorite thing? laptop

7. Your dream last night? drowning

8. Your favorite drink? sweet tea

9. Your dream/goal? perfection

10. The room you’re in? living room

11. Your hobby? blogging

12. Your fear? loss

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy

14. What you’re not? Organized

15. Muffins? Moose

16. One of your wish list items? job for DH

17. Where you grew up? Boonvegas

18. The last thing you did? ate

19. What are you wearing? shorts

20. Favorite Gadget? iPod touch

21. Your pet? retrievers

22. Your computer? Toshiba

23. Your mood? mellow

24. Missing someone? JohnE

25. Your car? Excursion

26. Something you are not wearing? shoes

27. Favorite Store? Target

28. Like someone? Tess

29. Your favorite color? lavendar

30. When is the last time you laughed? today

31. Last time you cried? forgot

It’s hard to just use one word and get your point across.

I tag: Nic, Kim, Moosh in Indy, and SAHW