I spent three years, thousands of dollars, numerous hours in doctors visits, and countless tears getting the two wonderful babies I have.  I have a healthy boy and was doubly blessed only one year and 4 days later with a healthy (even if a little early) baby girl.  I should be happy with that and satisfied.  Jim and I talk often about being “done” having kids.  Logic tells me it’s the right decision.  Our house is only big enough for two kids.  Most restaurant tables and booths are made for a family of four.  All vehicles will carry two children.  When we go to amusement parks in the future and are going to ride the roller coaster, there are perfect pairs to ride together - no odd man out.  There’s no middle child to feel “left out.”  Financially, 2 children is more affordable.  I plan to home school and with Alex and Jackson being so close together I won’t have the big difference in curriculum.  I’m getting older and Jim is 10 years older than me.  See, my brain says it makes total sense to stop at the two wonderful children I have.  But there’s this other thing: heart?  spirit?  intuition? that says I MAY not be done yet.  I just don’t know.  But, I DO KNOW I am not interested in doing anything at this point to permanently sterilize either myself or Jim.  I just want the option. 

Ever since I began wanting children (which stems back to playing with baby dolls) I thought I would have two boys and a girl.  That is what my Mom and Dad had though - so maybe that’s where I get this notion.  I’ve had names picked out for my little guys for over 5 years now.  Jackson was my first.  My second boy’s name is Maxwell (Max).  I can see him as plainly as I can see Jackson in my mind’s eye.  He exists, kind of like when you have to go pick your child up from school.  You know they are there waiting for you to go get them.  It’s that strong.  But, for all the reasons in the previous paragraph I just wonder if that isn’t just a childish dream and vision. 

When will I know for sure? 

I’ve heard that when your family is complete “you know.”  So, since I don’t “know” right now maybe it isn’t?  Or maybe in a couple of years that feeling will wash over me and I will be able to relax and feel comfortable in the decision I’ve made.