Yesterday we went, as a family, to a place that is so important to Jim and has been his whole life.  Jim spent countless hours with his father at that very place.  Almost all of the good stories Jim has of time with his dad are centered around that place.  To this day if you get the two of them together the only thing they seem to talk about is racing. 

I watched Jim and Jackson walk hand-in-hand around the grounds.  When Jim was pointing out various things and explaining who Tony Hulmann is I realized Jackson may NOT hold the IMS as dear in his heart as Jim does.  The reason I say this is Jim and Jackson are going to have such a rich and fulfilling relationship. One that has so many levels and such depth.  Their whole life together will be full of teachable, rememberable moments together.  He will see this 2.5 mile oval as one of the MANY places his father took him and made memories at. It will hold a special place in his heart as an adult because he will remember how important it was to father.  How his Dad’s face lit up when he saw the Pagoda in the distance.  How his pace quickened once he entered the gates.  How any miniscule fact of that track was kept in his father’s head just waiting to be leashes on the masses.  This is the reason I love that place; because of how happy it makes Jim.

I spent three years, thousands of dollars, numerous hours in doctors visits, and countless tears getting the two wonderful babies I have.  I have a healthy boy and was doubly blessed only one year and 4 days later with a healthy (even if a little early) baby girl.  I should be happy with that and satisfied.  Jim and I talk often about being “done” having kids.  Logic tells me it’s the right decision.  Our house is only big enough for two kids.  Most restaurant tables and booths are made for a family of four.  All vehicles will carry two children.  When we go to amusement parks in the future and are going to ride the roller coaster, there are perfect pairs to ride together – no odd man out.  There’s no middle child to feel “left out.”  Financially, 2 children is more affordable.  I plan to home school and with Alex and Jackson being so close together I won’t have the big difference in curriculum.  I’m getting older and Jim is 10 years older than me.  See, my brain says it makes total sense to stop at the two wonderful children I have.  But there’s this other thing: heart?  spirit?  intuition? that says I MAY not be done yet.  I just don’t know.  But, I DO KNOW I am not interested in doing anything at this point to permanently sterilize either myself or Jim.  I just want the option. 

Ever since I began wanting children (which stems back to playing with baby dolls) I thought I would have two boys and a girl.  That is what my Mom and Dad had though – so maybe that’s where I get this notion.  I’ve had names picked out for my little guys for over 5 years now.  Jackson was my first.  My second boy’s name is Maxwell (Max).  I can see him as plainly as I can see Jackson in my mind’s eye.  He exists, kind of like when you have to go pick your child up from school.  You know they are there waiting for you to go get them.  It’s that strong.  But, for all the reasons in the previous paragraph I just wonder if that isn’t just a childish dream and vision. 

When will I know for sure? 

I’ve heard that when your family is complete “you know.”  So, since I don’t “know” right now maybe it isn’t?  Or maybe in a couple of years that feeling will wash over me and I will be able to relax and feel comfortable in the decision I’ve made.