For 5 days and 6 nights I have been surrounded by sick people.  Even worse, those people are people within my house.  And even worse, those people are the little people I hold so dear.  Which means I have been sneezed, cried, climbed, and puked on. Although one of my God given gifts is empathy I have a hard time having sympathy for sick people.  Especially when I am the one who is expected to jump every time someone says “Mommy.”  I had two babies a year and four days apart.  They are a month from being 2 and 3 years old but this week has been more draining and more taxing on my psyche and nerves than when Alex was a new born and Jackson was a year old.  I was blessed with sleepers (more or less).  So, I have never really had to go through all the sleepless nights or colicky stuff.  Thank God.

It is due to this past week I have seriously, and honestly been considering (along with my husband of course) about being done, fin Ito, finished, over, and completed having kids.  I have always thought one more child was in the future.  I have had the vision of my little brunette, brown-eyed little boy named Max.  But, after this last event I wonder I am cut out to be a mom of more than the two I have. And even those two, I wonder if they didn’t get a raw deal getting me.  I just feel like throwing myself through a window or fleeing like a thief in the night.  I am a woman who needs her sleep.  Ask anyone who knows me.  So, these nights of 2-3 hours of interrupted sleep for the past 5 nights is causing me to go a little batty (left eye twitches).

These little people, they don’t really know sick etiquette.  The idea of covering their mouth when they sneeze so Mighty Putty does not pelt from their nostrils?  Does not occur to them.  Even when Mom is only inches from their face.  Evidently, just crying seems to be the only thing they can do to tell you what is wrong.  Even when they can talk!  Jackson knows his planets, ABC’s, can count to 30, etc but try to get him to tell you what’s wrong when it’s 3 am and he is upset.  I just go down the checklist just like I used to when he was a baby.

Alex will wake up wringing wet but try and change her clothes and you will hear something of the same decibel as a fire truck siren.  Seriously, it sounds like I am beating the poor child.

Think anyone will take care of me IF I get sick?  I may just go to Mommy’s house LOL.  I guess we never get to clock out of this job huh? LOL.

Before Jim and I had children we talked hours and hours about our philosophies on every aspect of parenting to discipline, to sleeping arrangements, to how to have the “bird and the bees” talk.  We both were adamant, we did not want our children in our bed with us.  This is a topic that has been debated so thoroughly that I could scream but that is not what I am hoping to spark with this.  I am simply saying, for me and my family it is the way it is and the way it works.  Each child goes to bed in his or her bed and Jim and i sleep together in our bed.  It was something that was a bit difficult to establish, especially when I was nursing and getting up every 2-4 hours but we stuck to our plan and it has paid off.

Another thing we spoke about thoroughly and agreed on was to maintain our marriage; to cultivate it like a good gardener cultivates his crop.  We purposely take time away from our children to spend eye to eye in conversations and in love.  I want to show my kids what a marriage is supposed to be like.  I want to model a good relationship so that when they are searching for their spouse they do not settle on good enough.  My mother and father have been married for 43 years but I really never felt they were in love with one another.  I remember seeing them hug a few times but there was no real emotion there.  Every child wants their Mom and Dad to be in love (even if you do not want to think about it - yuck!)  I almost settled on good enough before I met my husband.  I thought the love that you read about, the love that is all encompassing, the love that is so strong it can bring you to tears was simply a fantasy.  I am so blessed that I found my husband and the love of my life and know for a fact that that love does indeed exist.  I want…..need….my children to know that.

Our biggest agreement was that we wanted them to know we would die for them.  That they were the most precious, loved and important people in our life.  But, that the world does not revolve around them nor do we.  These parents who run themselves literally ragged because each child is in 3 different extracurricular activities is an example of what I am talking about.  If there is a show on that we want to watch, we will watch it and if the kids want to watch something else, tough.  You either watch it with us (if appropriate) or go down stairs and watch something else.  They are not at the helm of this ship and I know later in life this lesson will serve them well.  They will not enter this world thinking they are owed something from society or the world.  They must earn it.

Now, I have to say, we are in the infancy of this young family and we have passed several of the tests we knew would come.  I obviously do not have all the answers.  If in 25 years I have one in prison and one still living at home I will say “I WAS WRONG” but at least we have a plan.  It is the most important task God has ever give us, or any person, which is to raise these little beings into productive, happy, healthy and independent people.  Without a plan, I fear we would lose course and make bad decisions.  Do not make life altering decisions by the seat of your pants.  Make a plan and stick to it. Now, if I can only head my own suggestions.

We may be screwing our kids up by the methods we have decided to utilize.  If that is true, we will be ROYALLY messing them up since we plan to homeschool.  Those poor poor kids…..lol

The 18th of this month will mark the anniversary of my entrance into this world.  I remember every year on my birthday Mom telling me the story of my birth and the exciting happenings that soon followed.  If she forgot, I would be sure to remind her.  I am the youngest and the only girl.  The gap between my closest brother and myself is 7 years.  I think you know where I am going with this….I was spoiled beyond measure or reason.  I had a happy-go-lucky childhood.  I had the best Mom in the world and it is because of her I am the mother I am today.  I had the best roll model anyone could have.  From birth to about 18 I was a happy girl who knew what she wanted in and out of life.  My how things can change.

I remember being a youthfully stupid 20 year old and thinking how far away 30 seemed.  I would look at “grown ups” around me and think, “30 year old people are just so…..old.”  They had mortgages, jobs, kids, responsibilities and took everything seriously.  I didn’t want to be that way when I turned 30.  I think I did ALL of them except maybe the last.  But, honestly, if this past year is any indication of what my 30’s are going to be like this is the most awesome time of my life.  These are the good ol’ days.

When I was turning 20 I was dating Mr. Good Guy and confused about where my path would lead me.  I was lost, confused, sad and empty.  College was just something to pass the time.  I look at it now as 4 expensive years of extended high school.  Of course, when looking at pictures of my 135 lbs self and can’t help but think, “That would be nice.”  The body is really the only thing I would like to go back to.  But, I know I have “spread out” as my dad would say, due to carrying two beautiful children for 9 months.  The stretch marks, saggy boobs, and big butt are just a few of the rights of passage of being what I am today; a mom.  My dream.  I know some of the Gloria Steinem’s out there say that I am not living to my full potential.  That women for centuries have been fighting so I would not have to “lesson” myself and stay home barefoot and pregnant.  I agree with part of that.  Women have been fighting so that all women have the choice of what they want to do with their lives.  I choose, and relish, being a stay-at-home mother and wife. It’s a little out-of-date.  Probably not hip or cool.  But, I love it.  And, just to toot my own horn a bit, I’m pretty durn good at it.  My husband often tells me I am the most natural mother he’s ever seen.  To that I answer, “nothing I’ve ever done has ever felt so right.”  It’s like breathing.

And to think that there were several years when I did not know if I would ever to realize my dream.  It took over my every thought and prayer.  A commercial, a song, a pregnant lady at the grocery store were all reminders of what I did not have.  My mid 20’s were full of doubt, anger, frustration and sadness because of the infertility.  I was so happy to have found my soul mate.  Until I met Mr. Tolerable I thought the love that songs are written about and movies portray was something made up.  As soon as I meet my soul mate I understood what love was.  But, there was a big piece of the puzzle missing; a family.  It was a depressing and lonely time but I learned so much about myself and what was really important that I know I am blessed for the struggles we faced.

If there was one thing I would like to go back to during that time it would be the quiet times with just Mr. Tolerable and I.  The trips we went on.  The laughter we had as a young couple with no children to chase after, keep us awake at night, or discipline.

But the 30’s, so far, seem so wonderful I just want to press the pause button on the dial of life.  My children are old enough to not need me 24 hours a day but young enough to need me most of the time.  My best friend and husband is working from home and spending so much more time with us.  We have a cute house by the park in a nice little town.  I have great friends, a wonderful family, and an ever growing faith in Jesus.

I am in the process of getting back that 135 lbs body from my 20’s so there will be nothing from that time I want to go back to.  I am about 3 weeks into “Project: Bringing Sexy Back.”  Here is my semi before picture.  Wish me luck!  Happy Birthday and Life to me!

People who know me, know I am a goofball.  But from time to time I like to get serious. The last two blog posts were my serious side…now I’d like to get back to the goof side.  It’s a lot more fun.

My goal this year is to buy ALL my Christmas gifts online or through a catalog.  I wish I could say it was because I want to avoid the big crowds at the stores. But, in all honesty, I just LOVE getting packages delivered to me.  When the UPS, DHL or FedEx truck goes by and doesn’t stop at my door, I feel a level of sadness I’m sure  is unhealthy for an adult to have over something so trivial.  And when I hear the screech of the breaks on that big brown truck I rush down the stairs like I am meeting a long lost relative.  The mixed feelings I have when I have missed the truck and have a package on my porch are, I’m sure, certifiable.  It just does not bring the rush that having a packaged handed to me from the guy in the ugly brown shorts affords.

Just yesterday my friend, Ben, from the UPS truck made a stop at my home to deliver a LARGE box. I knew instantly what it was.  My baby girl’s Christmas present.  I found a large lot on ebay that I could not pass up. There is not a little girl I know who would not love to get this:

Big Lot of Fisher Price Sweet Streets Buildings, People and accessories

I am pretty confident that I am compensating for my childhood dreams of having an elaborate dollhouse with all the perfect furniture and rugs.  I had a great childhood but there were two things I never got that I always wanted: a dollhouse and tap/ballet lessons.  I cannot wait until Christmas arrives and she walks down the hallway and sees this miniature city waiting for her little hands to manipulate.  I only wish Santa would not get all the glory but that is the selfish side of me rearing it’s ugly head.

Next year?  Dance classes…

If you are in a marriage where you feel like your husband would rather spend time with the dog/golf club/TV/car/bar/buddies/his right hand than you - skip this entry because I have so much bragging to do on my guy that it would make even the most “happily married” person gag.   You’ve been fully warned.

If you have been reading my posts you know that recently my husband left his job at a new home builder and has decided to work from home as a professional handicapper/horse player.  I know most women would cringe at the idea of their husband being home.  Honestly, I wondered how we would fare being in a confined space for an extended period of time.  Turns out - I NEVER WANT HIM TO GET A REAL JOB AGAIN.

His chosen career allots for plenty of time to do other things around the house.  He creates his own “honey do” list and works on it with vigor.  Example one: I asked him this past summer to help me transform our downstairs living room (AKA the place where we pile the clean clothes as it waits……and waits for me to come down and fold it) into a play room for the kids.  The wintertime in Southern Indiana can get rather mundane to put it nicely and it would be so nice to have somewhere else to go.  Plus, play dates would hopefully be a BIT quieter and more fun for the kids as well as the Moms.  Well, my Mr. Tolerable worked his cute little tail away for the past 2 days moving furniture, a Big Screen TV, rewiring the TV so we have a VCR AND a DVD player, removing doors, and vacuuming.  I didn’t remind him, I didn’t harp at him.  He listened when I said it the first time over 4 months ago and just did it.  How many men do that?  He has also been “wiping the rest of this place into shape” as he like to put it.  Hanging new binds, measuring our back door to be replaced, organizing his offfice, mowing, grocery shopping, doing laundry (since he is downstairs anyway, where the machine is - his words, not mine) ordering a new fridge and me a new Palm Centro (AWESOME).  I just keep saying, “You spoil me so bad!”  His response is always the manly, “Cuz you sex me up baby.”  Followed with either a butt squeeze or a boob honk.  What can I say, he’s still a man.

Jackson and Alex absolutely adore their Daddy.  It has been so awesome watching their relationships grow in just a few months.  They now get to see Daddy anytime they want.  Yesterday morning Jackson made his Daddy blue berry muffins (with a touch of help from Mommy).  He was so proud of himself and couldn’t wait for Daddy to wake up.  As he was stiring the mixture he looks up at me with those huge hazel eyes and says, “This make Daddy so happy!”  My heart melted.  Jackson was right.

Our relationship and marriage is better than ever.  Our finances (thanks in part to inheritances) have never been better.  Our sex life is amazing.  Our friendship is even more solid than before and we’ve always been best friends.  He no longer comes home pissed and stressed out about that “stupid company.”  The overall demeanor of the household has lightened and become so happy.  I feel so blessed to be where we are right now.  I pray that he never has to return to a “real” job and can stay home with us forever.

Never before have I had more of a respect for Clark W. Griswald as I did this past weekend.  I am always trying to make sure my family and I have a good time but sometimes life gets in the way.

The husband, kids and I packed up the camper/travel trailer, the SUV and our expectations for fun and headed north to Speedway, Indiana.  The racing capital of the world?  Where they race the Indy 500?  So, you’ve heard of it?  Good.  This Sunday was the first motorcycle race at the legendary speedway in almost 100 years.  Since my husband would watch ostriches race at the IMS we had to go.  Being the sport I am I looked at it as a time that the family can get away, maybe hit the zoo or Children’s Museum and have the picturesque camping adventure as seen only in the RV brochures.

PASHA!  The first two days were the closest to hell I think I have experienced.  First off, it was humid, hot and oh yea, OUR GENERATOR DOESN’T WORK.  This is not that big of a deal except it rained and rained and RAINED (thanks to hurricane Ike).  Imagine being stuck inside a hot camper where you can’t open the windows due to the rain, no TV, no microwave, and toddlers who seem as if their shoes have springs.  Not my idea of a good time.  Jim, being the dutiful husband and father headed out in the rain and bought another generator!  I hated the idea of spending the money but I have to admit, I was beyond happy when the air conditioning hit my face and I heard the theme song from “Word World.”

Second day, more rain but that’s ok.  Jim is going over to the track to watch practice and I am taking the kids and meeting a friend and her son at the Children’s Museum.  What a great day this will be.  When I arrived at the museum I turned into a parking lot that was only for school buses and handicapped vehicles.  As I am attempting to leave said parking lot a woman who obviously takes her job as security very serious flags me down.  I roll down my window and she says,

“You are going to cause a WRECK!  You went the wrong way all the way through this parking lot!”

Playing a sheepish stupid girl I say, “Oh, I’m sorry - I’m just trying to get out of here and over to the parking garage.”

Angry rent-a-cop: “Well, back up, go down THIS aisle and exit THAT exit.  Cross the street and you will find the entrance to the garage.”

Me:  “Oh, OK.”

Rent-a-cop:  “Be careful and don’t cause a wreck!”

I back my big ol’ Excursion up and try to do the right thing.  Evidently I didn’t see the curb and ran right over it as I went down “that” aisle.  I didn’t even look back at the evil woman and I felt my face flush in embarrassment.  I can only imagine I looked like Big Foot crawling over cars as my head just about hit the ceiling as I bounced around inside.  I should have seen this as a omen of things to come…..

Once inside the museum, Val and I watched the boys run around the Dynosphere looking at the skeletal remains of a T-rex.  Sam was showing Jackson all the cool cubby holes and hidden treats.  About 40 minutes into this dreamlike outing I turn to get the stroller (where Alex was) to head to the train exhibit and Jackson has disappeared.  My heart stopped.  I just knew this was not good.  That kid is the fastest thing this side of the Ohio.  I was right.  Frantic searching by both me and Val yielded nothing.  As each second went by I could feel my level of anxiety rising.  Val says, “Follow me.” and I’m try my best to do just that.  But, let me qualify this by saying Val is one of those sick people who actually run for “pleasure” so the speed at which she twisted through the Egyptian catacombs exhibit left me panting behind her and trying to just catch a glimpse of her shadow so I didn’t lose her trail.  She leads me to a security officer who has the bright idea to help me search for him.  At that moment I wanted her to call the head of security, have all the doors locked, and have every single person in that place look for the “little boy with a grey shirt that says ‘my Dad rocks.’”  But, we searched the floor AGAIN and she finally called head of security.  Now this is where my memory gets a little foggy - maybe I was in panic, shock, whatever.  But, the head of security who has an ear piece in his ear says, “There is a code Adam matching this description.  I’m with the mother.”  Silence as he listens to the other end.

Then he says, “Is your little boy wearing a grey shirt, blue jean shorts and loves race cars?”

“Yes! Where is he???”

“They are going to bring him to the concierge desk.  Follow me.”

I get there and wait, wait……head of security again is obviously listening to someone talking in his hear and then he turns to me and says, “It seems they are having a hard time getting him to come with them.  I’ll just take you to him.”  I’m confused by what all this means but at this point all I want to do is see my son, hug him, smell his sweet hair and ring his little neck!  We go up to FLOOR 4. That’s right, the little monger got 3 floors away from me!  We step off the elevator and what do I see?  Jackson sitting inside an Indy car.  It seems he wouldn’t let any of the security take him out of “his” Indy car.  When he sees me he says with the utmost excitement, “Hi Bobby, I in a racing car….a Indy Car!!!”  So proud of himself.  I scoop his butt up out of that car hug him so tight and hold back the tears then through clinched teeth I say right in his ear, “Don’t you ever run away from Mommy again or I’ll spank your butt so hard your head will spin.”

After all of this it was hard for me to relax and enjoy this wonderful museum.  It was fun though.  I just had that adrenalin rush and such a rush is hard to come down from.  Val stayed with us for about another hour.  We saw the rest of the “kid friendly” parts of the museum.  Jackson saw it all from the safe haven of the stroller, much to his chagrin.  Then Val and Sam left when it became painfully obvious it was time for Sam’s nap. LOL.  I went ahead and stayed at the museum and saw the rest of the museum..another hour or so.

The trip back to the camper was uneventful - no curbs were harmed.  No rent-a-cops angered.  Kids all safely strapped into car seats.  I did get lost for a bit but a call to Jim got us headed in the right direction.  At the camper Jim and I realize we are about out of milk and other such staples.  He heads to the grocery store while I stay back with the kids to feed them.  While I am trying to microwave their chicken nuggets the NEW generator pops a breaker.  I head outside to flip the switch.  While I’m out there our neighbor comes over and says, “I thought no one was here so I turned your generator the other way - it’s just so damn loud.”  I explain how it was an “emergency” buy.  How our “quiet” generator went out and this was just the one they had at Lowe’s.  He was nice about it but made it clear that he didn’t like the noise.  I turn, flustered and embarrassed for the 3rd time today when my hand pops off the door handle.  It is LOCKED.  Jackson was able to reach the door from him high chair and just my luck, LOCKED ME OUT.  No keys, no cell phone, no patience.  I just sit down on the step and hold my head in my hands.  You would think I would just sit there and cry but all I could do was laugh.  I hang off the hand rail and do some sort of contortionist back bend to see into the trailer.  Jackson sees me and smiles, “Hi Bobby…what cha doin?”  “Unlock the door Jackson.  UNLOCK THE DOOR!”  He fiddles with it a bit until finally, success. I am inside.  When Jim got home he and I had one hell of a fight.  I cried, he apologized and we both agreed tomorrow would be (had to be) better.

It was.

I took the kids to the park yesterday for a much needed, much missed playdate with our friends.  They got so filthy that the bath tub still has a black ring around it.  The sure sign of a good time in the eyes of a 2 year old little boy.

After a nice bath in dirt water, Sissy took a nap and the boy and I headed to the library.  We had John Scieszka books that needed returning.  Jackson is a bit young to “get” Scieszka’s humor but I hope when he is older he will find them as uniquely hilarious as I do.  I caught myself reading them long after Jackson lost interest and went to find a car to shove in his sister’s mouth.  I would laugh out loud and then read the portion I found exceptionally funny to Mr. Tolerable.   If you don’t know of any of his books and have 4-6 year old children, I highly recommend these books.  OK, there’s my pitch - wish I was getting paid for that.

When back from the library I read some of the “better” books Jackson picked out - I have grown so tired of reading about race cars and rocket ships I could scream.  But, in the interest of instilling a love of reading, I wade through them.  Mr. Tolerable was down in the office in the basement cleaning it out and trying to prepare himself for a life of employment.  In his de-cluttering extravaganza he brought up a world map and told me Jackson could play with it.  I taped it to the wall and told Jackson where we lived.  Jackson calls it “Merica.”  Pretty good.

I got the idea to find pictures of some of Jackson’s favorite television characters from other countries, print them, cut them out, and put double sided tape on the backside.  I let him stick The Wiggles on Australia.  He asks, “Wiggle House here?”  We put Diego and Dora in Mexico, Kai Lan in China, Arton Senna in Brazil, and a picture of Jackson and Alex in the U.S. of A.  I let him put them in the areas that I pointed to.  Explaining which country it is and what language they speak.  I didn’t get into the specifics how in Brazil’s official national language is Portuguese but that there are hundreds of dialects throughout the country.  I figure that can wait until he is 3.  That is sarcasm for those of you who did not recognize it.  The whole time I am sitting on the floor pointing at the map, I am not really thinking about the fact that I’m teaching anything…more like playing and trying to keep Jackson occupied.  Mr. T came up the stairs as we were placing Kai Lan on China and smiled and returned to his down stairs lair.

Later he came up after our little play session was over and said,

“You know you are already homeschooling right?”

I said, “What?”

“That whole map on the wall thing with the characters on it.  That is homeschooling.”

It never really occurred to me as such.  I was just being a Mother and trying to challenge Jackson, keeping him from driving me crazy and putting to use the “useless” map that his Dad was about to discard.  I sat up a little straighter and had a wave of pride sweep over me.  It also made me think, “Maybe I can do this homeschooling thing.”  I don’t know anyone who goes about the task of homeschooling without having thought it all out, researched, and weighed the pros and con.  Even still we (homeschoolers) ask ourselves, “What if I can’t do this?”

I think I can.  I think I can.

Am I the only one that feels on some days I have this whole mothering thing figured out and on other ones I am thinking “I suck at this” ?  Today is a good day.  Kids didn’t watch “too much” television.  They ate decent breakfasts and were changed and dressed by 10am.  We went out to eat at a local Mexican restaurant and the kids were angles.  We even got praise from an older couple sitting a booth over about how well mannered our two were (never happened before!!)  Then we went to the library where I let Jackson and Alex pick out some books to read and picked up a book on CD for myself.  (Just as a side note and because I think it’s a cool idea - I am ripping that CD to my computer and then putting it on my iPod so I have that to listen to as I clean house).  The kids and the husband are all napping right now and I am about to commence at folding the baskets of CLEAN laundry I have waiting for me.  Then we are headed to the park for the “Back to School Bash” where there will be firetrucks for Jackson to climb on and in, games and fun to be had.  I’m sounding like a good Mom at this point right?

Yesterday…..(Let me qualify the following paragraph by saying we just returned from vacation and I had a ton of laundry, cleaning and dishes to do to make this house livable again - when I work I have ear buds in my ears at all times).  The kids never did get out of their pajamas and that’s what they slept in again last night.  For breakfast Jackson had pretzels and juice.  Alex, a more sensible meal of butter cookies.  They watched TV for approximately 4 hours throughout the day while I was cleaning and either on the phone or listening to podcasts.  We didn’t go outside.  We didn’t really play together much and the kids were left to fend for themselves in the way of entertainment all day long  except for a break where I let the kids finger paint.  In order for me to sweep and mop our upstairs hard wood floor I had to lock them in Jackson’s room for about 30 minutes (checking often).  What was for lunch?  Um…..Jackson took it upon to make a “sammich.”  It consisted of a hamburger bun, and well…nothing else.  Alex begged off of him.  Sippies all around though!  I then fixed hamburgers and mac ‘n’ cheese for supper but all Jackson wanted was pickles.  Alex did eat part of a hot dog.  At the end of the night I didn’t give them a bath as is customary but I figured they hadn’t DONE anything to get dirty so why bother.  (Oddly enough they both fell asleep better and faster than ever before!)

So, am I the only one who feels like a shinning star on one day and like the worse mother on the planet the next?

I always heard people say, “You love all your children the same amount” but honestly when I was pregnant with Alex I did not quite comprehend that.  How could I possibly have enough love in me to love both my children as much as I already knew I loved Jackson?  Once Alex was born I still even wondered how it would be.  Of course, I loved her the moment I laid eyes on her but that “bond” didn’t seem to form as instantaneously as I remember Jackson and my bond being.  I look back and I realize it was because of all the stress that surrounded her birth.  She came almost 7 weeks early.  The anaesthesiologist messed up my spinal block twice and did not get it “right” until the third try at placing a needing in my back.   She was whisked immediately to the nurses station and the NICU to be treated for apnea as well as keeping her body temp regulated.  I nursed Jackson not 30 minutes after he was born.  I now know how precious and vital that time we had together in the recovery room was.  It was that hour or so with him against me, staring into his eyes, smelling him, touching him, kissing him.  All of that went into play to forming an INSTANT bond.  I never got that with Alex.  I did not hold her until hours after she was born and that only lasted precious moments.  I wasn’t able to nurse her until she was 3 days old.  But, my determination did not wane.  I am so glad she was not my first or I may not have breast fed.  Pumping every two hours for 24 hours a day for 3 days is enough to send anyone over the edge. 

It is hard to admit to yourself, let alone anyone else that you do not feel bonded to your own child so I never did.  My husband knew something was up but he could not quite put his finger on it.  He thought it was post-pardom depression.  It may have been a touch of that but I think mostly, I felt like I was robbed of the “dreamy” birth I was given with Jackson. 

Fast forward to today.  I have definitely made up for lost time.  I am so in crazy love with Alex it is retarded.  Her personality is so perfect.  She gorgeous.  Her face lights up when she sees me.  I can not wait to go in her room in the mornings to get her out of her crib.  Every morning she is standing, anxiously awaiting to be rescued from her lare.  The squeal she lets out when I open that door is a sound embedded in my mind.  She is already becoming my best friend and I look forward to the times when she is older and we go out to eat and shopping together.  Of course, I am in NO HURRY for her to grow up because I am not so naive to think those times will be all good.  Teenage years, PMS, boys, heartbreak, mean girls, and body image - yuck!  On second thought, I don’t look forward to that time at all.  I’ll take my happy-go-lucky baby girl for a LOOOONG time. 

Yesterday we went, as a family, to a place that is so important to Jim and has been his whole life.  Jim spent countless hours with his father at that very place.  Almost all of the good stories Jim has of time with his dad are centered around that place.  To this day if you get the two of them together the only thing they seem to talk about is racing. 

I watched Jim and Jackson walk hand-in-hand around the grounds.  When Jim was pointing out various things and explaining who Tony Hulmann is I realized Jackson may NOT hold the IMS as dear in his heart as Jim does.  The reason I say this is Jim and Jackson are going to have such a rich and fulfilling relationship. One that has so many levels and such depth.  Their whole life together will be full of teachable, rememberable moments together.  He will see this 2.5 mile oval as one of the MANY places his father took him and made memories at. It will hold a special place in his heart as an adult because he will remember how important it was to father.  How his Dad’s face lit up when he saw the Pagoda in the distance.  How his pace quickened once he entered the gates.  How any miniscule fact of that track was kept in his father’s head just waiting to be leashes on the masses.  This is the reason I love that place; because of how happy it makes Jim.