Browsing the archives for the Funny crap category.

Some things change….

Funny crap, Mr. Tolerable, My life, Parenting, Politics

As I am rapidly approaching my 34th bday I am aware of several changes that have happened in and to me as I age:
1.) In the past year I have begun to not only eat but love potato salad, deviled eggs and turnip kraut. All things that as a youngster I thought were the most disgusting things known to the human pallet.

2.) I like Rod Stewart’s voice.  There I said it.  This happened today.  My entire life I have always said the likes of Michael Bolton, Rod Stewart and Bruce Springstein are tantamount to a sick cat with laryngitis   Today?  Something happened.  No idea…..Maybe it’s that whole when-you-get-old-you-go-deaf thing.  Gotta be it.

3.)  I now believe the party is NOT worth the hangover.  Man, that took a while to learn but sometimes, like giving birth, I think nature blocks out the bad parts and you only remember the glorious moments.  Like when you simultaneously solved all the Earth’s problem, smoked the wrong side of a cigarette, and became a bartender at Coyote Ugly (in your friend’s basement).

4.)  Midnight is late.  For the past 3 years the “Twilight” movies have all come out on my birthday or within days of it.  Also for the past 3 years, I have gone to the midnight showing.  This year?  Going to the 7pm showing and hoping to be home and in bed before midnight.  Life’s just too damn short to miss out on a good night’s sleep under my electric blanket.

5.) I like cats….suddenly.  I have a black Tom cat that I worked for WEEKS to tame (living out in the country there are ferrel cats under every shed).  He is now my baby and I actually buy cat food for the thing.  And I cleaned out a litter box for the neighborhood cat who I kept in my garage while she was pregnant and with nursing kittens so I could take care of them and hopefully tame and adopt said kittens out.  Next I’ll be getting “Momma Mia” fixed (although it appears as if the whore is pregnant again but I digress).  If asked, I would still say I’m a dog person but, cats are pretty stinking cool.

6.) This one is something that’s just come full circle.  As a teenager and person in my early 20’s I could give a rat’s petunia about politics.  Then, as I entered into my late 20’s I became very interested and vested in belief’s and parties.  I took life so serious and had it all figured out.  Now?  Meh.  I have no clue and am very aware that neither do “they.”

7.) I really don’t give a shit what people think of me. OK, maybe a little bit.  I mean, no one wants to leave the legacy of being a bitch.  But I’ve come a long way from the girl/woman who’s every single word, act and belief was tinged with “What will people think?”  I try my best to be a good Christian; to be a good friend; to be a good daughter, wife, mother, niece, cousin, aunt.  Try as I may, there will still be those who judge, belittle or talk.  But, I am very happy with the number of people in my life who do love and accept me.  If I can add to that number, great!  But if not one single other person joins in that crowd…I’m hunky dorey.

Now, it’s not as if all things about me have changed and I tend to think these things will remain constant well into my golden years.

1.) An attractive, fit and confident man with a warm smile and nice ass is a sight to behold and a vision of which I will NEVER, EVER grow tired.  Blanche knew what was up….

2.)   My husband is #1

3.) The most important job I have in this whole world is to instill love, acceptance, independence, the belief of Christ and confidence in my two children. Period.  Everything else is subscript.

4.)  “Lumberjack” by Jackyl and “Black Betty” by Ram Jam still kick some serious ass.  Definitely a constant.

5.)  No one can make me honk like Brittany Freeman and Elizabeth Howard.  Those two together?  Faggetaboutit.

6.) On that note – I still hate my laugh.  But, it does seem to bring joy to those around me so it’s not all so bad 😉

On to the future.  May the next 34 years be full laughter, love and sexy men in Levi’s.

 

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Happy Freaking New Years

Funny crap

Every year my husband and I throw what we would consider a pretty kick-ass New Years party.  Jim, the consummate cook, creates his most yummy creations of shrimp bisque, coconut shrimp, Scully’s chicken wings, steak fondue (with a plethora of dippings to fit every taste) and chocolate fondue for dessert.  After the food has pretty much made even our fat jeans tight, we will play board games, maybe even sing karaoke, and just have a fun time chatting it up with friends.  In the background will be Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Eve (sadly to replaced by Ryan Seacrest – who honestly does an outstanding job).  After the last shrimp has been grazed from the plate and the bottles of wine have been emptied it gets louder, funnier and sillier.  My husband and I have usually a private (although sometimes with an audience – my Dad, the “Yea!” man) air guitar session very similar to this one.  One year Jim got so into his role as Pete Townsend, complete with walking stick air guitar, he came eerily close to plunging his axe through the Marshall Stack he was bumping into.  He was only snapped into reality when I screamed, “Jim stop!” and he saw that he was about to destroy our big screen TV.  Yes, it gets that intense on “stage.”

This year, we thought would be more of the wonderful same but as our guest list starts to dwindle we begin to question wether it was really as great at entertaining as we thought, or other people just started to suck.   I have to believe the latter is true.  At around 7 o’clock we will have a house full of people, gleefully eating of Jim’s creations.  But at around 9 it seems our guest have other (I hear better) parties to go to.  We are the revolving doors of NYE parties.  Or better, the concession stand.  Come, eat our of our bountiful goods and then LEAVE!  No, I’m not bitter.  It’s better this way. Now, no one can stop us from doing a third round of Tommy !

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Preachers love “The Office”

Funny crap, Random Stuff

Just an observation.  I have the privilege to be friends with several hip and tech savvy preachers.  They have Facebook accounts which also means they update their status and profile picture.  I’ve noticed, as did Jim, they love not only the sitcom “The Office” but more specifically the character Dwight Schrute.  I too am a fan of the funniest, non-animated show on television staring the hilarious Steve Carell  .  But, it seems to be a bit of an obsession with these guys.  It’s hilariously entertaining!  Anyone else make these same observations?  Just curious if this is a geographical thing or a theological thing.

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Birthday Bitch

Funny crap, I am blessed, Mr. Tolerable, My life, Random Stuff

That’s me and I wear that crown proudly.  Last night I celebrated my 30th birthday with 30 of my closest friends.  The pre-party was a local (and yummy) Mexican restaurant.  I got some pretty risque gifts like “Stripper Pills – release your inner pole dancer” and “Glow in the Dark Lubricant.”  Practical gifts like hand sanitizer and Tide To Go Pen.  There were “grown up” presents like a cute pair of angels from my friend Tess and my Mom got me fleece sheets (ahhhhhh).   And a silly gift that was used all night: a shiny pink and silver crown that read, “Birthday Bitch.”   (thanks Joanna!!)  Yes, I wore it the entire night.

I think the gifts I received are what I am and who I have become over the past 30 years.  I’m lighthearted and love to laugh.  I tend to enjoy the between the sheets athletics with my husband.  I am practical and have grown up.  But, not to the detriment of just relaxing and having a good time.  In my last post I spoke about how I didn’t want to take things or myself too seriously when I turned 30 like it seemed so many I knew had done.  I hope I managed to walk that fine line between being a responsible, bill paying, mother and wife and a fun-loving, social drinking, always laughing, woman who loves life and those she chooses to share it with.

I had such a wonderful time last night.  The perfect way to spend my 30th birthday and I thank my Mr. Tolerable for throwing me a wonderful party.  The friends, wine, karaoke and chicken wings were all fantastic and you are the love of my life now at 30 and forevermore.

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90210 and NKOTB return? Why God, Why?!

Funny crap, Just my opinion, Random Stuff

Think back to a simpler time.  The year: 1992.  The fashion: banana clips, Adidias work out pants that make noise with every step, over-all’s with one buckle undone, and Thermonuclear T-shirts worn with another shirt under it so you can roll the sleeves up and show that flashy under shirt (layering in it’s infancy).  I am 13 years old.  Carrying a (backpack) purse for the first time but usually only for a week a month.  Slumber parties are my idea of a good time and Boyz II Men are on the radio constantly singing about “Making Love to You.”  I own (and wear as often as possible) a blue jean jacket covered with buttons and other decor.  But, not just any buttons – New Kids On The Block buttons.  I even had New Kids on the Block earrings (I can’t abbreviate and say NKOTB yet because that came later).  The method of styling my hair consisted of 3 steps:

1.) Blow dry my hair strait up on the side of my head.

2.) While the dryer is still blowing, spray hair spray (Aqua Net) to the area where the “volume” is wanted.  This usually created a “head out the window look.”

3.)  Use a curling iron on the tips to curl them back.

Man, was I cool.  I was down with OPP.  Those were simpler, awkward and confusing times.

Every Thursday night I would look forward to a new episode of my favorite show to air.  I would call my best friend, Elizabeth, on the phone and we would “watch” it together.  Each of us in our respective bedrooms, laying on our stomachs, phone to ear, legs kicking behind our heads.  Beverly Hills 90210 BABY!  We gasped when Kelly kissed Dylan – “That’s Brenda’s man you backstabbing bitch!”  We agreed that Andrea Zuckerman was by far the most uncool person at West Beverly High and in real life the actor that played her had to be old…..like 30.  We drooled over Brandon (my favorite), Dylan and Steve (her favorite).  Man we loved that show.  I was the perfect age to be one of the legions of young people who are the direct reason why 90210 became the huge hit it was.

I understand it probably was not as good of a program as my nostalgia makes me think it was.  I’m sure the plots were hollow, the drama so predictable and the actors sub-par.  However, to a 13 year old girl like me, it was the best show on television.

You would think with the fond memories I have of 90210 I would have a better reaction to the “New Beverly Hills 90210″ series that debuted it’s 2 hour premier episode on Tuesday.  They are dropping the “Beverly Hills” part and just calling the series 90210.  I’ve read some reviews of it that were far from flattering but as someone how did not see it, I cannot honestly comment on the quality of the actors, the writers, or the story lines.  But I’ve read reviews about how the characters are exactly like the “retro” cast.  Even down to the new kids (brother and sister) who move into town and are the “good” kids who were not raised around the glamor and lifestyle that is Beverly Hills.  Nat is still minding the bar at The Peach Pit.  Kelly (Jenny Garth) and Brenda (Shannon Daughtery) are said to make appearances on a semi-regular basis.  Even the intro music is eerily similar.

See for yourself:  [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzWJULZ5sjg]

Just the first several riffs on that guitar and I am magically transformed into a self-conscious teenager wondering what “masterVation” is and living off of cheese.  This isn’t a good thing!

And then to top all this off, the very same day I learn of the resurrection of 90210, I turn on Good Morning America and who is on the stage performing?  Joe, John, Danny, Jordan and Donnie.  New kids on the Freaking Block?  Or should I say “Old Dudes who have been around the block, made a lot of money and should fade off into the sunset?”  I just stood in the middle of the living room staring in disbelief and uttering under my breath, “What the fuuuuuudge?” (my new kids who repeat everything were in the room).  Seems they are returning to the recording studio and touring together as a group for the first time in 15 years.  Last I saw of John Knight he was on Maury Povich talking about his debilitating social phobia and stage fright.  After his huge stardom with NKOTB he became a recluse who stayed in his home afraid of people staring at him.  He was a ball of nerves and sweat on the stage that day.  Jordan was on this particular show as well saying he too had suffered from this phobia but not in as serious of a form as his brother, John.  They have obviously learned to deal with it and moved on.  Good for them.  Bad for us.  Donnie Walburg is now a very respected actor but he’s heading up this venture as the writer and producer of their new album.  It’s all very surreal.  I loved them.  I wanted to marry them.  They were IT.  My brothers would tell me about how in 5 years they would be gone and I would feel silly for ever having listened to their songs, plastering my bedroom walls with their faces, and wearing their junk on my person.  Boy, I hated it when I realized they were right.

I just don’t know what to make of all of this.  What’s next?  Marky Mark pulling down the ol’ britches and reuniting with the Funky Bunch?  I refuse to tight roll my pants ever again.  I’m just saying….

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  • Why I Write this Stuff

    My children called me Bobby when they were toddlers due to not being able to prounounce "Mommy." They are now 7 and 8 years old and I am Mommy. But my real name is Mandy. I just do this so I can keep in touch with the REAL me. Being a Bobby is a dream I thought I may never realize and I do not take it for granted. I homeschool (more specifically unschool) my two children and it's easy to lose yourself in the tasts of the day. I just want to make sure that after 19 or so years have passed,and my kids have moved out, I'm not stuck looking in the mirror and squinting in hopes of seeing Mandy again.