That’s a terrible thing to say.

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A blog, in a way, is a person’s journal; a diary if you will.  Yet, it is public for everyone to read so. This makes the author write stories less from the heart, less true.  This is true in my case anyway.  Someone whom I have never met or someone who knows me inside and out may stumble upon (literally) my blog and read something that hurts them or makes them like me less.  Therefor, I write this blog through that constant filter. But, this time I’ve decided to say what I’m really feeling  just to get it OUT.  Chances are the “liking me less” will happen with this one.

My husband has gone back to “work.”  When I say “work” I do not mean that he did not work before.  Nothing could be further from the truth. He worked his butt off and gave handicapping his best.  But, time and money ran out and now we are where we knew it could end up.  He has returned to a “regular” job.  He is selling BMW’s, Mercedes, Audi’s, VW’s and other such cars in a city over and hour away.  He leaves the house at 9am and gets home around 10pm five nights a week.  It is something that is taking some time adjusting to.  My kids are missing him so badly and I a missing my partner.

Jim and I had such a wonderful system worked out.  The housework was evenly divided (well, ok, Jim did more than I did).  I was able to focus on the kids in a way I know most Mom’s would love to be able to do.  I wasn’t bogged down with what to cook or supper, or going to the grocery store.  My entire job was making sure the kids were clean, happy and learning about this big world around them.  The kids got the wonderful opportunity to bond with their father for an entire year.  Their relationship grew stronger than I ever thought possible.

I’m adjust back to where most Moms are.  I am cleaning house, doing laundry, cooking, managing the household and then, when there is time, spending time with the kids.  I do my best.  We had a puppet show today and Jackson helped me make the puppets. It was a fun time but one that I felt my nerves almost would not handle.  Jackson didn’t really want to make the puppets all that bad.  He glued a few of the spots on the dog but then lost interest.  All he wanted to do was play with the puppets.  OK fine, I can deal with that…then all he wanted to do was destroy them, tear down the makeshift puppet stage we had built together.  I had spent nearly half an hour cutting eyes, ears, whiskers, etc out of colored paper for this wonderful activity that he and I could do together.

But I find my mind saying things like, “This kid ruins everything we try to do for him…everything.”  My mind goes through the countless times we have taken the kids to various outings (tractor shows, zoo, children’s museum, etc) when his behavior made a time that should have been full of happiness, seeped in anger and frustration. I try to not think this way. He’s 3 and for someone who does not live with him or know him that just sounds plain mean but you come walk a mile in my house and then we will talk.

I love that boy with all my heart.  I prayed daily for him to come into my life before I ever met him.  I just have days when I don’t like being around him very much and I am sure the feeling is mutual.  He is over-the-top hyper, can be mean, destructive, and hateful.  Since Daddy went to work it’s like all those bad traits are overtaking all the wonderful traits he has.  I no longer have the threat of “going to get your father” like I used to.  It is as if, to Jackson, all bets are off and he can run around here like an insane child; bouncing off the couch, kicking me and his sister, screaming, running around, taking off all his clothes, peeing his pants, etc, etc ETC! He recently got kicked out of preschool.  Well, “kicked out” is a bit harsh.  The teachers just don’t have the time or energy to deal with him when they have 20 other students to try to teach.  I understand that.  I would probably say the same thing.  He is HARD to deal with.

All the while I am literally at the end of my rope.  Contemplating wrapping it around my neck to make it all stop!  Now don’t get all “crime watch” on me and call the police.  I would never actually do anything to myself or my children.  I am merely saying, IT’S BAD right now.   I’m hoping this new “evil Jackson” is just because he is not used to Daddy being gone.  Dear God, that’s my prayer anyway.

I love him, he is a hilarious little boy who is full of ideas and some good ones are in there too!  I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong, how to make him stop, slow down and be a good boy…..

3 Comments

2 Comments

  1. Courtney  •  Sep 23, 2009 @7:55 pm

    Hang in there, Mandy. You and Jim to a great job with your kids. It is crazy stressful. I TOTALLY understand that. You and the kids are gonna be fine. Nobody tells you this stuff when you are wanting to have a baby. It’s one of life’s little surprises. Lucky for us we are rewarded with all the smiles and little hugs and kisses.

  2. mike  •  Aug 10, 2010 @8:40 am

    I’m so sorry to hear about Jim’s horseplaying career coming to a close. I’m sure he is an excellent handicapper. I have handicapped for over 35 years, and just recently have been able to be be patient with my money management. This portion of the job is just as important (but harder to achieve) as the handicapping. Maybe Jim can take a portion of retirement at age 60 and attempt again. It is hard to fight it when it is in you.

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  • Why I Write this Stuff

    My children called me Bobby when they were toddlers due to not being able to prounounce "Mommy." They are now 7 and 8 years old and I am Mommy. But my real name is Mandy. I just do this so I can keep in touch with the REAL me. Being a Bobby is a dream I thought I may never realize and I do not take it for granted. I homeschool (more specifically unschool) my two children and it's easy to lose yourself in the tasts of the day. I just want to make sure that after 19 or so years have passed,and my kids have moved out, I'm not stuck looking in the mirror and squinting in hopes of seeing Mandy again.