I always heard people say, “You love all your children the same amount” but honestly when I was pregnant with Alex I did not quite comprehend that.  How could I possibly have enough love in me to love both my children as much as I already knew I loved Jackson?  Once Alex was born I still even wondered how it would be.  Of course, I loved her the moment I laid eyes on her but that “bond” didn’t seem to form as instantaneously as I remember Jackson and my bond being.  I look back and I realize it was because of all the stress that surrounded her birth.  She came almost 7 weeks early.  The anaesthesiologist messed up my spinal block twice and did not get it “right” until the third try at placing a needing in my back.   She was whisked immediately to the nurses station and the NICU to be treated for apnea as well as keeping her body temp regulated.  I nursed Jackson not 30 minutes after he was born.  I now know how precious and vital that time we had together in the recovery room was.  It was that hour or so with him against me, staring into his eyes, smelling him, touching him, kissing him.  All of that went into play to forming an INSTANT bond.  I never got that with Alex.  I did not hold her until hours after she was born and that only lasted precious moments.  I wasn’t able to nurse her until she was 3 days old.  But, my determination did not wane.  I am so glad she was not my first or I may not have breast fed.  Pumping every two hours for 24 hours a day for 3 days is enough to send anyone over the edge. 

It is hard to admit to yourself, let alone anyone else that you do not feel bonded to your own child so I never did.  My husband knew something was up but he could not quite put his finger on it.  He thought it was post-pardom depression.  It may have been a touch of that but I think mostly, I felt like I was robbed of the “dreamy” birth I was given with Jackson. 

Fast forward to today.  I have definitely made up for lost time.  I am so in crazy love with Alex it is retarded.  Her personality is so perfect.  She gorgeous.  Her face lights up when she sees me.  I can not wait to go in her room in the mornings to get her out of her crib.  Every morning she is standing, anxiously awaiting to be rescued from her lare.  The squeal she lets out when I open that door is a sound embedded in my mind.  She is already becoming my best friend and I look forward to the times when she is older and we go out to eat and shopping together.  Of course, I am in NO HURRY for her to grow up because I am not so naive to think those times will be all good.  Teenage years, PMS, boys, heartbreak, mean girls, and body image - yuck!  On second thought, I don’t look forward to that time at all.  I’ll take my happy-go-lucky baby girl for a LOOOONG time.